This heart is heavy with pain,

wracked with guilt and weary from striving.

I'm longing for His love.

For the healing of His warm embrace.

I'm tired of sleepwalking through this season.

I need breakthough. I need encounter.

I need grace for the restart.

Another restart. Another restart.

Another welcome. Another welcome.

Another wave of mercy.

Another promise, truth to break the lies.

Everlasting grace for the restart.

I know these little moments move Your heart,

and I know that right now that's all that matters.

In this place where everything inside me wants to fall apart,

You hold me together.

When I'm too weak to walk this road,

You are my strong arm.

I will continue to reach for You.

Yes, my heart will reach-

even if only for a moment before I break-

because I know it moves Your heart.

I don't want to become a stranger.

I don't want to forget how Your voice sounds

or the way You hold me till the storm passes.

I don't want to run away from home anymore.

I don't want to desire anything less than all of You.

I don't want to live in loneliness and fear.

I will run into Your arms again.

Yes, I will run.

Like a prodigal to my Father's warm embrace, I will run.

And You carry me, You give Your child sweet rest,

You restore my strength.

I'm learning to love my Jesus again.

I'm learning to fall on my face before Him and live in the wake of Grace and Mercy every day.

The past 2 years have been rough, I'm not going to sugar coat it, but I'm also not going to dwell on what has been and miss out on what God has for me in this season.

I'm a new creation. There is nothing I've ever done, nothing I could ever do that will make God love me any less. I'm His little lady, I'm his delight, I'm His beloved.

My testimony is riddled with pain, regret and so many mistakes. Im not proud of anything I've done, I'm not here to glorify my sinful nature, I'm here to declare the goodness of God. I should be dead, but He's kept me here and if I never do anything notable in my life but love Him and worship Him, I'm ok with that.

I'm learning to get back to the simplicity of devotion, the freedom of living in the presence of the Spirit. The joy of loving my King above any worldly pleasures.

I've done it all, I've been in places and put myself in situations that have made me realize this, I never want to walk away from my Papa again. I would give my life if I could prevent just one person from having to feel the intensity of the pain that is living in this world without God.

He is worth it all. He is better than whatever this world can offer. He is abundantly good. Learn to love Him again, I promise you won't ever turn back.

Throw anything at me. If it hurts I won't show you. If I need you I won't tell you. I'm so used to being an island. These walls are a part of me now, and nothing can get past them. I'm so close to breaking but I won't be found in pieces, no one gets to see me cry. No one touches my heart. Have my body, have my time, have my constant thought.. But you'll never have my heart, there's too many secrets hidden away in there, too much aching and longing and far too much desire.

I'm waiting for the fog to lift.

I'm waiting for the phone call.

I'm waiting for a savior.

Enough.

I'm so broken. I'm hardened, addicted and lost. I'm lonely and needy. I'm jealous and I'm angry. Calloused, offended, confused, obsessive, hurt and upset. I'm insecure. I'm jaded. I'm bitter, and I'm selfish.

I can't let people in, so I let them walk all over me. I'm never enough for the ones I so desperately want to be enough for. I'm retreated and I'm drawn-back. I get hurt too easily, and I never give myself the time to heal. I constantly feel guilty.

From the moment I wake up to the moment I lay my head, I'm never good enough for me. Never skinny enough. Never pretty enough. Never together enough for me. I spend hours in a day dream that I know will never come to pass. I hide my pain, and only ever let it show around the wrong people.

I'm desperate for love. Desperate for healing, for hope, for commitment and for restoration. I long for redemption.

Redemption.

For the soft whisper of I am enough. The touch of a Savior. The blood of a Son. The blood of a man who came to die for my shortcomings. The man who stretched His arms wide on the Hill of calvary and proclaimed to the world that I am His beloved, welcomed me into His embrace. The man who died for my broken heart. For my redemption and my freedom. Spilled His blood, for me. Just, me.

I am carried into His presence,

I am crippled at His table.

This is My King; Jesus

This is humility;

the King of the universe came as a baby (Matt. 1:21-25)

This is influence;

thousands came to sit on a hill and hear Him preach (Matt. 5:1)

This is power;

He healed the blind (Matt. 10:27-31)

This is compassion;

He stood in the gap and wrote in the sand (John 8:1-12)

This is true rest;

He trades our burden of sin for an easy yoke (Matt. 11:25-30)

This is servanthood;

He washed His disciples' feet (John 13:1-17)

This is grace;

He shared the cup with His betrayer (Matt. 26:23)

This is pain;

He was sweating drops of blood in the Garden (Luke 22:44)

This is patience;

He didn't say a word (Is. 53:7)

This is love;

He hung on a tree for my brokenness (Matt. 27:35)

This is forgiveness;

His shed His blood for my purity (Rev. 5:9)

This is truth;

I belong to Him (Ezekiel 16:8)

This is a conquerer;

death couldn't hold Him (Matt. 24:1-12)

This is passion;

His eyes burn like blazing fire (Rev. 1:14)

This is beauty;

His face is like the shining sun (Rev. 1:16)

This is sovereignty;

He's coming again (Rev. 20)

This is the Son of God

This is the Redeemer of my soul

This is the Beginning and the End

This is Jesus